Salary of preacher

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and proclaims, "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"


The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"


Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Preacher'."

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10 Divorced Barbie.

Osama Bin Laden

Osama bin Laden was shot dead by Americans recently. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don`t know what to do here," the devil says. "You`re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I`ll tell you what I`m going to do: I`ve got a couple of people here who weren`t quite as bad as you. I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.

-->

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don`t think so. I`m not a good swimmer and I don`t think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I`ve got this problem with my shoulder. I`d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," Laden commented.
So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you`re free to go."
-->

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Royal Wait9.Birds & Bees

Royal Wait

Respected Madam

In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Europe. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet.


She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.


My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a personenters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

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Hard Feelings

 A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. 
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.


  He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
  The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. 
It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
  The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can 
of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as 
a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather 
hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs 
into the house. 


  Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the 
little boy another five dollars.
  The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." 
  The grandfather replies, "I know.  That's from your grandma.


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9.Birds & Bees

Royal Wait

How To Improve Sex Drive?

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious and her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked.

"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

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Bushy Tales

Santa and Banta were enjoying a few drinks when Santa asked Banta, "Tell me Banta, in all honesty, what do you think of a woman with a growth of black hair under her nose?"

Banta replies, "Shit no, I would never be turned on by a woman like that."

Santa says, "OK, so tell me, what about a woman with big black hairs growing under her arms?"

Banta says, "For shits sake what are you talking about? I couldn't even get it up with a woman like that."


Santa says, "OK but let me ask you another question, what about a woman with long black hairs growing on her legs, never shaves her legs?"

Banta replies, "Shit man give me a break, I would never get into bed with a lady like that."

Santa says "OK so answer me one last question, if all you say is true, why the hell are you Sleeping with my wife?

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10. Miracles of Jesus Christ.

Battle tired

George Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken-down shack.

Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick. The man said, "As you can see I only have room for one man."


So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place.

After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.


The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She asked, "How many men do you have?"

Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox."
The madam replied, "You've got to be kidding me!"

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Four Balls

A Scottish tourist was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound; he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming: "Run, Run."


This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scotsman was now exited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."

The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

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Life Of A Dog

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her by minorities or illegal immigrants who are paid less than minimum wage. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. She pays her employees so little that she can afford to eat whatever she wants. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her - her medical insurance is paid for by her former employer, General Motors, and passed on to the consumer, or the taxpayers, when GM needs a bailout.


She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, minorities or illegal immigrants who are paid less than minimum wage clean it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She pays her employees so little that she can afford these accomodations. She is living like a queen, and has minorities or illegal immigrants who are paid less than minimum wage serve her. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day, pay high dollars for the products and services she sells, which she spends on herself, not the people who provide those services or produce the pose products - they are just minorities or illegal immigrants who are paid less than minimum wage.



I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Crap, my dog is a Repubican..!!

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Female Pharmacist

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.


She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"



The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

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Tooth Extraction

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"


So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."
The man asks "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."


The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

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Best Surgical Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'


The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'

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What A Tip!

A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip - three pennies.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him.




"Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

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Rose Is Rose

A man took a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they went on to a show.

The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at her door he said, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agreed and a date was made. The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened it, she slapped him hard across the face. He was stunned.

"What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said, 'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

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Change of plans

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

--> The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle
strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper"
-->


So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" -->

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Do you like to screw?

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date.

"Do you like to screw?" he asked.

"Huh?!" replied the surprised first date.

"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her should go screw," explained the father.

Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"


Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.

After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"

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