Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. 
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".

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How to win a quiz contest

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" 

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Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

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WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

         WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.                         
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   Royal Wait
    

 

Angry Santa

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Boss proposal to secretary

-->

Boss: “Let Me Have You Just One Time, I’ll Be Quick And Pay You 20,000. I’ll Throw The Money On The Floor & Till You Bend Down & Pick Up All, I’ll Be Done”

Girl Likes The Proposal & She Calls Her Boyfriend.

Boy Friend: “Its Fine But Ask for 30,000 & Be Very Quick To Pick The Money”

After 4 Hours Boyfriend Calls Her

Boyfriend: “What Happened?”

Girlfriend: “That Bastard Is Still…

Aaah…

Enjoying Me…

Ahh

He Brought All Coins…

Lesson: Please Read The Offer Documents Carefully Before Investing.

--> -->

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How to turn men down

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: Actually, i'd rather have the money
He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
He: Your face must turn a few heads.
She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
He: Haven't I seen you some place before?
She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.
He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

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What a woman thinks

;

WHAT A WOMAN THINKS:

THE MOST PERFECT MAN IN THE WORLD IS HER FATHER

THE MOST ABUSED HUSBAND IN THE WORLD IS HER BROTHER

THE MOST HANDSOME MAN IN THE WORLD IS HER SON

THE LUCKIEST AND HAPPIEST MAN IN THE WORLD IS HER SISTER'S HUSBAND

...

THE MOST THANKFUL MAN IN THE WORLD IS HER SON IN LAW

AND THE WORST, MOST SELFISH, HEARTLESS, TOTAL JERK AND
THE MAN WITH WORST BEHAVIOR IN THE WORLD IS HER HUSBAND.

 

Best Years of Life

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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said : “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!” The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”

Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner,”The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”

The wife went; “ah!” with shock and rage.  Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was!”
By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water

Moral of story: Don't copy if you can not paste

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Beer or Woman.....

Beer Vs Woman :
A Beer is alwys wet, a woman is not!
-1 point4 beer!
Beer is horrible, when it is hot!
-1 point4 women!
A cold beer satisfies you!
-1 point 4beer!
For a beer, you pay taxes!
-1 point 4women!
If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry!
-1 point4beer! :)
You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a beer!
-1 point 4beer! :D
If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself!
-1 point 4beer!
You know exactly how much a beer costs!
-1 point 4 beer!
A beer does not have a mother!
-1 point 4 beer!
Beer won

-->

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Race Horse

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

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Inflation

A stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a very busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East.

The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob."

The Texan was appalled. He pulled out his pistol, shot the greenhorn right between the eyes, and shoved his body out the door.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!"

The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two bucks."

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Breathalyzer test

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.'

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.

After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

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A Funny Case Of Kiss And A Slap...

A HR Manager, His Assistant, An Old Woman And Her Young Daughter Are Traveling In A Train And During The Course Of Time Get Themselves Introduced To Each Other And Become Temporary Friends...

The Train Goes Through A Tunnel And It Gets Completely Dark...

Suddenly There Is A Kissing Sound And Then A Slap !!!
The Train Comes Out Of The Tunnel...

The Women And The Assistant Are Sitting There Looking Perplexed...

The Manager Is Bending Over Holding His Face, Which Is Red From An Apparent Slap.
All Of Them Remain Diplomatic And Nobody Says Anything...

The Old Woman Is Thinking :
These Managers Are All Crazy After Girls. He Must Have Kissed My Daughter In The Tunnel. Very Proper That She Slapped Him...

The Young Girl Is Thinking :
The Manager Must Have Tried To Kiss Me But Kissed My Mother Instead And Got Slapped...

The Manager Is Thinking :
Damn It... My Assistant Must Have Kissed The Young Girl. She Might Have Thought It Was Me And Slapped Me...

Now Guess What The Assistant Is Thinking...

Now Hold Your Breath And Read What The Assistant Is Thinking...

If This Train Goes Through Another Tunnel I Will Make Another Kissing Sound And Slap My Manager Again...
The Rascal Keeps Harassing Me In The Office...!!

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Two lips and Seven Kisses

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses."

She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

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Last Rites

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

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Windows in Monastery

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. He sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there."

"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."

"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.

"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."

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Living in Hell

There was a bitter quarrel between husband and wife. Wife was very angry and is not known to choose her words carefully and can be very insulting and can curse bad. So she says  screamingly at her husban"Leave..get out of this house"she ordered.
As husband was walking out the door she yelled"I hope u die a slow and painful death"
So he turned around and replied"So now u want me to stay?

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Fighting wife

There was a bitter quarrel between husband and wife. Wife was very angry and is not known to choose her words carefully and can be very insulting and can curse bad. So she says  screamingly at her husban"Leave..get out of this house"she ordered.
As husband was walking out the door she yelled"I hope u die a slow and painful death"
So he turned around and replied"So now u want me to stay?

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Bad Attitude

"Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad." Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard." It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit." "I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here." 

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How to get quick promotion

The boss called one of his employees into the office, "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.

"Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.

"What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

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