How to give anal suppositories

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

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Communication Gap

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."



"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.



"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."



He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."



"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."



"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."



Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Intellegent Minister

Musharraf comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Musharraf: "Well Parvez, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Musharraf "Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. " They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".
He calls Advani over and asks him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!" "Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Musharraf is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? " He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Sir? May I let you know tomorrow? ". "Of course", says Musharraf, "You've got 24 hours."
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.Twenty hours later, the member of Musharraf's cabinet is very worried-still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says to himself: "I'll ask Bill Clinton, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Clinton. "Mr.President", he says, "Tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says Clinton, "It's me!"
"Wonderful!" says the Cabinet member and hangs up. Jumping with joy realizing that he knows the answer, he rings Musharraf. "Sir, I've got the answer!".
"What is it?"
"It's Bill Clinton".
"No, you idiot", says Musharraf, "It's Advani".

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Love On First Night

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

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10 Royal Wait

Exciting Cruise Journey

Dear Diary - Day 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.

Dear Diary - Day 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

Dear Diary - Day 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

Dear Diary - Day 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

Dear Diary - Day 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. He again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked.

Dear Diary - Day 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice

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Love you Genie

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf.

On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man - I want to thank you. I am a genie that was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 for myself.

Husband - I want a billion dollars.

Wife - I want a house in every country of the world.

Genie - Done.

Husband - And what is your wish genie?

Genie - Well, since I haven't loved a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.

Husband - We'll get lots of money. I guess I don't mind.

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of nonstop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?" he says. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

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Who Am I?

One Monday morning, a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, Banta the homeowner is coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. 
"Wow, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend," the mailman comments.
Banta replies, "We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?'" 
The mailman says, "How do you play that?"
Banta continues, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." 
The mailman laughs and says, "I'm sorry I missed that."
Banta responds, "But your name was guessed four or five times."

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Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

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Will you marry again if I die?

Reena: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

Sonu: "Definitely not!"

Reena: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

Sonu: "Of course I do."

Reena: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

Sonu: "Okay, I'd get married again."

Reena: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

Sonu: (makes audible groan).

Reena: 'Would you live in our house?'

Sonu: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

Reena: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

Sonu: 'Where else would we sleep?'

Reena: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

Sonu: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

Reena: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

Sonu: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

Reena: 'Would you give her my jewellry?'

Sonu: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

Reena: 'Would she wear my shoes?'

Sonu: 'No, her size is 6.'

Reena: Silence.................

Sonu: 'Shit'.

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