Laugh A Bit

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Who wants to go to heaven

A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!"

Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands.... everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room.

All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How do you know if these folks are serious? I can guarantee to prove who really means it and who don't!"

Bemused the preacher said, "Ok, stranger, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you want."

At that, the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience and said, "Alright... who wants to go to heaven... raise your hands!"

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Young Rooster

A farmer bought a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. He put the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.
The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon. Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?"
The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken go cluck "Go!" and the old rooster took off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about five inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He shoots the young rooster.
He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife...
"Son of a bitch ... third gay rooster I bought this week!"

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4. Dad please get on with it

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Blonde At Toy Factory

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes "The Tickle Me Elmo" toys. The toy laughs whenou tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory & on her first day start work at 8:00 AM.
Next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at l Manager's door. The Foreman begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow & the whole line is backing up, putting entire production line behind schedule.
Manager decides to see this for himself When he get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and are really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric & a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

-->

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Monday, November 28, 2011

How different people think about sex

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, and I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Jobs In USA

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Saturday, November 19, 2011

What did you think?

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Friday, November 18, 2011

You are fired.

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Monday, November 14, 2011

Darling i love you so much

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4. Dad please get on with it

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Rhyming Boyfriends

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says, "Hi, I`m Freddy. I`m here to pick up Betty. We`re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man mildly amused, calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I`m Jim. I`m here to see Kim. We`re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I`m Joe. I`m here to pick up Flo. We`re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed, says, "Yes." The two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says, "Hi, I`m Chuck.."

The father shot him.

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Friday, November 11, 2011

Is it your ball?

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"

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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Which Is Better : Hand or Girl

-->
Girl Or Hand: What is better
I would say hand is better than girl because of following reasons
1. Hand don’t mind if you use other hand
2. It won’t mind if you use someone else hand.
3. It doesn’t have Headaches.
4. It doesn’t need any jewellery.
5. It never ask you to take it for shopping.
6. Never nags you.
7. Don’t have mood swings.
8. Never talk back.
9. Don’t ask about your past.

But the biggest reason is

It don’t calls you two week later.

-->

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Do Doctors Laugh

Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

It's swollen,' Scott replied.

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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Insemination

Phoebe, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Phoebe, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

Then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Phoebe takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Phoebe explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

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Saturday, October 15, 2011

Love in car

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed by being caught, said yes and apologized.

"Well," he said, "I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.

He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

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Friday, October 14, 2011

Virgin Honey Moon

A young virgin couple is finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father, "Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed." his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised.

The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again, "What do I do?" he asks.

His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!"

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama.

"What do I do now?" she asks.

"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.

"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

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Thursday, October 13, 2011

Ship Wrecked Guy

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, and then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Horse Racing

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' he asks.

'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it,' she replies.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explains.

She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he asks, 'What the heck was that for?'

She answers, 'Your horse just phoned.'

Monday, October 10, 2011

Beer Lover

Banta walks into a bar for a beer and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. He ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back, he found his glass empty and a note saying: 'Thanks for the beer!'

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down, a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay, he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: 'Thanks again, this was as good as the first one.'

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody.

So he spit into the beer and left a note saying: 'Enjoy, I just spit into the beer.'

He then ran outside to see what had happened. When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: 'You enjoy, I spit in it too!'

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Psychotherapist

A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places. The sign read:
Psycho-
the-
rapist

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Saturday, September 10, 2011

Satan And Church

A few minutes before the services started, the church people were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil one. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, unconcerned to the fact that mankind’s enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don’t you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, your Satan."

"Aren’t you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"No, sure ain’t" said the man.

"Don’t you realize what I can do to you?" asked Satan.

"I know what you can do to me," replied the old man.

"And you’re still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope." A little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Well, I’ve been married to your sister for over 48 years.

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Beautiful Models On Sale

Santa and Banta were looking at a catalog and admiring the models.

Santa says to the Banta, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Banta replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Santa says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Banta smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?"

Santa replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Monday, September 5, 2011

Confessions

A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day. People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over. He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.
The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."
The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery".
He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.
Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."
The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy, "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"
With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How to give anal suppositories

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage.

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Communication Gap

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Intellegent Minister

Musharraf comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Musharraf: "Well Parvez, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Musharraf "Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. " They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".
He calls Advani over and asks him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!" "Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Musharraf is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? " He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Sir? May I let you know tomorrow? ". "Of course", says Musharraf, "You've got 24 hours."
He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.Twenty hours later, the member of Musharraf's cabinet is very worried-still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says to himself: "I'll ask Bill Clinton, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Clinton. "Mr.President", he says, "Tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says Clinton, "It's me!"
"Wonderful!" says the Cabinet member and hangs up. Jumping with joy realizing that he knows the answer, he rings Musharraf. "Sir, I've got the answer!".
"What is it?"
"It's Bill Clinton".
"No, you idiot", says Musharraf, "It's Advani".

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