Psychiatrist Observations

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.

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Sex Problem and Lawyer

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman  he had ever seen putting on the first.


The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.
When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff.


He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.
After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her to no end.
He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.


This went on for weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?”


“We can’t,” said the woman. “Why not?” came the reply.
“Because I’m a transvestite( cross dresser)” replied the woman.
“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “……..I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!”

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New Scope

Shooter goes to Rifle shop to buy a new scope.

Manager takes out one and says, "This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill."

Shooter looks through the scope and laughs, "I see a naked man and woman in the house."
 



Manager looks in the scope and gives 2 bullets to him, "I'll give u this scope free, if you shoot my wife's head off and the guy's dick off."

Shooter looks again in the scope and says, "Well, it seems like I can do that with just one shot!" 

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Advantages Of Alzheimer Disease

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.


After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."


Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I've been in here already?"

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old; Alzheimer has its advantages !

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Lovely Bear

Farmer Joe lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said, "You stay here until you learn how to behave yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain. About an hour later a travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn. The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.


Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about the barn - no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the bear). The woman told the farmer that she could take care of herself and left for the barn.

Two hours later, heavy knocking at the door awakened the Farmer. When opening the door the woman was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.

The Farmer said, "Good heavens, what happened to you?"


The woman replied, "I give up on human nature... the first guy gave me 500 bucks, the second guy gave me 1000 bucks, but that cheap jerk in the fur coat never even said thanks!"

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Cure For Priapism

A guy had been suffering with a priapism for several days. No amount of sex would make him lose his erection. He went to the pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter if he might get a word with the pharmacist.

She was a little pissed off at his assumption. "Sir, I am the pharmacist."
"No," he explained, "I need to speak to a male pharmacist."
"Sir," she repeated, "I am the pharmacist, my sister is also a pharmacist, we own this store. I would consider it a personal & professional compliment if you would ask me any question that you might ask of a male pharmacist.
Our hero was long on pecker, but short of words with embarrassment. He whipped out a 14 inch purple helmeted soldier of passion. "O.K. Lady, what can you give me for this....."

Now it was her turn to be embarrassed, "Um,Um, excuse me Sir. I must consult with my sister." She disappeared into the back.
She came back a minute later still red-faced. "We can give you $600 for a great weekend and half interest in the store.

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How To Enjoy Office Party

The morning after the annual office party blow out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton mouth, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceeding evening. After an urgent trip to the bathroom, he was able make his way downstairs, where his lovely wife put some coffee in front of him with two aspirins.



"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she replied, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted the regional manager to his face."



"He`s an asshole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you!"
"Well, screw him!" yelled John.
"I did...you`re back to work on Monday with a raise." She purred.

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Wonder Woman and Superman

At the end of a long crime-fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings Spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.

Spiderman replies, "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy.

--> As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her. He thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."
--> So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

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Best Dentist In Town

A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.


The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you determine that?"

The woman replied, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."

Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and they made love.

After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"


The doctor was very surprised, and said, "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know that, my dear?"

His lover retorted, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."

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