Out of Stock

Out of Stock!!!

 

Santa was appointed as sales person at a local store in Chandigarh. While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had 'Peach Jam' to which he bluntly replied, "Out of stock." At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement. It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Santa aside and told him, "When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like pineapple jam, guava, aprioct jam and so on." Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Santa politely replied, ""I am sorry ma'am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try some Carbon Paper or Sand Paper!"

A Great Actor

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah! The sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" Screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

War on USA

Barack Obama was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
'Hello, Mr. Obama!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Obama replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbor Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight.'
Obama paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Arrey O! Main kya..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
'Mr. Obama, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment.'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh?' Obama asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'
Obama sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'
'Oh teri....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne.... .. We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Obama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera bhala hove....' said Gurmuk, 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
'Kiddan, Mr.Obama! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Obama. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!!'
NOW, THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE!!
😝😝😝

Too Expensive

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Banta was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for Rs 500?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies, and starts to walk away.

He says, "You wouldn't let me do it for even Rs 1,000?"

"Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

He says, "How about Rs 10,000?"

The woman thinks about this for a while and says, "You'll pay me Ten thousand to bite my breasts?"

Banta nods.

She reluctantly says, "Let's go to that dark alley over there."

They go to the alley and she takes off her blouse. Banta begins caressing her breasts, kissing them, and fondling them.

Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you going to bite them, or what?"

"Nah," Banta replies. "Too expensive!"

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Crack In The Shoe

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..."

Luigi gasps, "Thanka Goda ....I thought I had a CRACK in my$300 Armani leather shoes...!"
. . . .

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6) Indian Michel Jackson 

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8) Funny Marriage Proposal 

9) Small cox Joke 

10)  Precher's Ass

New Client

A saleswoman from a major condom company was required to travel cross-country to meet a perspective buyer.
Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her. As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase.
The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane.
As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew.
They all stared amazed at the display and then looked to the woman who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client." 

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Dating Tips

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair, hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"

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