Wish Granted.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

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15 Timbuktu 

John Darling

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.

It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

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15 Timbuktu 

Timbuktu

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

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School Joke

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

-->
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

-->

 

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Mightiest of all

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!

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13  Smell of my Lover

Only 24 hours to love

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"

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White baby and black mom

Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.

One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe.

He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.

-->



"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary, "you're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one amongst them."

The Chief thinks for a moment, "OK!" says the Chief, "You say nothing, and I say nothing."



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Men Strike Back

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A:You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women do?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
  I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... wedding cake. 

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Why did dad leave you mom?

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!" 

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Bank Robbery.

A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank.

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me Rob this Bank?"

The customer replies, "Well, yes!"

The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?"

The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."

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Wife mine?

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Um...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 25,000 bucks?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.The maid comes back to the phone.

"What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

" Sir, there is no swimming pool."

"What! There's no pool here?" "Uh... is this 2263841?"

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Gentleman Husband

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man'.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

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Who Is Better Lover

A maid asks for a pay rise.

“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.

“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”

“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.

“Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”

“Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.

“No, the driver did.”

The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.

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Impressive Talent

The young man was on his first date with the gorgeous young woman and decided to impress her with his abilities in wine tasting.

He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district vineyard.

Upon tasting the wine, the young man scolded the wine steward, "This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N. Coast vineyards near Calistoga, please bring me what I ordered."

As the second bottle was poured, the oenophile tasted the wine and proclaimed, "No, no, no, this is a 1985 all right, but it's from their Mt. Helena vineyards!"

An old drunk sat watching the display from the bar and staggered over to the couple's table.

He said, "Wow, that's an impressive talent you have there, can you tell me what's in this glass?"

Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, the young man tasted the liquid in the drunk's glass.

"Geez, that tastes like urine!" the fellow yelped, as he spit the mouthful out.

"That's right!" exclaimed the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

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Golden Bar

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

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Priest and Little johny

Little Johhny was sitting on the side walk with a small bottle of sulphuric acid, pouring drops on the ants as they crawled past.
A priest passing by saw this, and approached him.
"Good morning, young man. What are you doing with that little bottle?" he asked politely.
"I'm burning the ants with the acid," the boy replied.
Thinking that a bottle of acid was dangerous for a small boy to play with, the priest thought of how he could persuade the boy to part with it.
"Listen son, I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead," said the priest.

"No way Father!" said Little Johnny, "I'd rather have this bottle."
"But mine is special holy water," replied the priest.
"Well, what's so special about it?" enquired Little Johnny.
"Ah," said the priest, "I once put a drop of this on a lady's belly and she passed a child."
"That's nothing!" exclaimed Johnny, "I once put a drop of this on a dog's testicles, and he passed a Harley Davidson!!!"

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Italian Guy Goes To Restaurant

[Please Read with an Italian accent]
One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell'a her I wanna fock. She tell'a me everyone wanna fock. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you son'a ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma bitch.
So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheits on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheit. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on'a my bed. He say you better not sheit on'a bed, you son'a ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma bitch. I gonna go back to Italy.

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MISSISSIPPI JOKE

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."


"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

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Ant and Grasshopper : Indian story

This is a funny joke sent to me by a very close friend of mine. Hope you people enjoy this.

 THE U.S. VERSION

Ant & Grasshopper:The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.Come winter ,the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
INDIAN Version:       
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.Medha Patkar goes on a hunger strike along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.Amnesty International criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper.The BJP stages a walkout in Parliament and demands an apology from Sonia Gandhi.Left parties call for a "Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in West Bengal immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.Mamata Banerjee allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the 'Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.Lalu-Mulayam call it 'Socialistic Justice'.CPM calls it the 'Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden'.The Grasshopper is invited to address the UN General Assembly.




Many years later...The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley ..100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ..As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, India is still a developing country!!!

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