Honest Wood cutter

A Woodcutter Loses his Axe  Lord Offers him Both Gold & Silver
but He takes his Own Axe  Seeing his Honesty Lord gives him All 3.

One day he goes Again to the Forest with his Wife. But his Wife Falls into The River, he Cries and Pleads to the  Lord to give him his Wife back.
Lord brings Out Angelina Jolie & Asked
'Is this your Wife'
He Replied - Yes.!
Lord said 'you Lied and you are  gonna be Punished'
He Said 'wait ...Lord I Lied because if I had Said No, You Would have taken out Cameron Diaz.
If Then I said no, you Would have taken Out My Wife and Seeing my Honesty, You Would have Given me All 3.
But I m a Poor Man, I Can't keep All 3. So I said Yes to Angelina.
God: You are going to make me cry. Take Angelina

Moral: Men are Honest Liars. ;)

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Indian Government

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Email

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Facebook Status

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Height of FB :p

A boy's fb status: I am online on fb during lecture... Haha haha.
.
Comment frm his prof: Get out of d class now.
.
Dean liked d comment !
.
Frnd commented: Come quick we having fun in cafetaria,
.
Gate Keeper's comment: Sir kindly lock your mobike first
.
Mom commented:Fool, if you are not going to study in college then come home , I got errands for you.
.
Dad commented:Look at how this bloody fool is wasting my hard earned money,
.
GF commented: I hate u !
You told me your grand ma is in hospital and can not come to meet.
.
Grandma commented: manhooouuusss come home and I am going to punish you very hard.
Boy : Oh God!!!! Kill Me :(. :p

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Baked Bean Lover

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One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

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WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT

WHY DO COUPLES FIGHT

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.
*************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started.
***************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump
And then the fight started.
***************************

--> My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to me,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.
***************************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time. So I took her to the kitchen.
Then the fight started --> 

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Unfaithful Wife

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him -"OK, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club, right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew
someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing
himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back."

--> The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been
unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the
same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
--> The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge nd some one threw it from the 3rd floor"......

Husband's Text Message

 

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."
He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back, "OMG really?"
Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".

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