Father at 80.

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he`s feeling?
`I`ve never felt better,` he replies. `I`ve got an eighteen year old bride who`s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?`
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, `Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who`s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he`s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he`s walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella , points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him.`
`Thats impossible!` said the old man in disbelief, `someone else must have shot the beaver!`
`Bingo!` says the doctor.... 

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How does a man and woman pray.

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks,
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.


MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.

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Looking Out For Rapists

Santa and Banta are driving down the road and get pulled over by the police. The cop gets out and knocks on the window.

When they open the window, the police officer says, "We are looking for two rapists."

Santa and Banta quickly close the windows and have a heated argument.

After a few minutes, Santa rolls down his window and says to the cop, "Okay... we are ready, we'll do it !! "

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Everyone got wishes granted

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed, "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

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Royal Wait

Love on First Date

Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more.

After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That's something I have never done before," Ashley replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Brad was amazed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

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My Beloved Nurse

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Penny.

"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards", said one doctor.

"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"


The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Penny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

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How to recognise your husband?

Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.

As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.

However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants.

She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."

The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."

The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."

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Different definitions of a Kiss

Different definitions of a Kiss


College professors describe a kiss:

*COMPUTER SCIENCE*
"A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte."

*ALGEBRA*
"A kiss is two divided by nothing."

*PHYSICS*
"A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an expansion of the heart."

*CHEMISTRY*
"A kiss is the reaction resulting from the interaction between two hearts."

*ACCOUNTING*
"A kiss must be considered an investment that is profitable when returned."

*ECONOMICS*
"A kiss is one of those things for which the demand is always higher than
the supply."

*PHILOSOPHY*
"A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for
the old."

*THEOLOGY*
"A kiss is divine."

*EARTH SCIENCES*
"A kiss is a clean, green, renewable energy resource that works best when
recycled often."

*PHARMACOLOGY*
"A kiss is an oral stimulant taken by mouth that can often cure what ails
you."

*LAW*
"A kiss is when the party of the first part and the party of the second
part have reached a mutually beneficial understanding that two (2) pair of
lips shall co-exist in, for all practical purposes, the same space and time
for a temporary period."

*POLITICAL SCIENCE*
"A kiss is that which will cost your career if experienced with anyone
other than your spouse."

*ENGINEERING*
"I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with that word.

English :
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.

Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris
muscles in the state of contraction.

Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the
vital statistics of 36-24-36.

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Women

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don..t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don..t, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don..t, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don..t, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don..t, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it..s bad
If you don..t, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn..t respect her
If you don..t, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it..s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that..s a girl..s way

If you visit another man, you..re not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it..s natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it..s just one of men..s tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful... WOMEN!

Happily Married

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E,F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,Gorgeous, Hot & Intelligent.

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What aboutI, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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