Gay In hell

John was a good looking but very emotional guy. But unfortunately he had very bad luck with the girls. Who so ever he loved always used him and then stabbed in the back. So one day he said to hell with the girls and became a Gay. He really had fun and was very satisfied with being gay and his male partners. But like all good things this had to end too. So one fine night he goes to sleep never wakes up. So when he goes up Saint Peter tells him you have been gay all your life which according to bible is a sin and thus you are being sent to the fires of hell to be burnt till eternity. He nods and gracefully accepts the sentence.

                                                After a week God says it has been quite a long time since i inspected hell and if those sent there are getting their punishment regularly or not. So he went to hell to inspect. There on the door of hell he is greeted by Devil who said he would himself like to escort God for the inspection of the hell. When he went to see the fire section of hell he finds all fire are gone and it is really a cool place to hang. God goes in to a rage and demands an explanation from the Devil. Devil says since you have sent that gay John to the hell , none of our worker are ready to bend and shovel coal in the furnance.

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How to be a Nasty Bitch

Janet's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the- bride ever!

A week later, Janet was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!  Janet asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Janet told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart.. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''



A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Janet asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it..."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

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Coffee and Bible

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"

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Generosity Of A Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."




The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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How many calories are lost when you have sex?

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent...	12 calories
Without partner's consent...	187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands...	7 calories
Using one trembling hand...	36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner...	1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor...	16 calories
Using skateboard...	3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man...	2.5 calories
Losing erection...	14 calories
Searching for it...	115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection...	1.5 calories
Without erection...	300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced...	6 calories
Inexperienced...	73 calories
If a man does it...	650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing...	7 calories
Sliding around...	9 calories
Serious skidding...	12 calories
Whiplash...	27 calories
ORGASM
Real...	27 calories
Faked...	160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off...	35 calories
Expression didn't change...	0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled...	6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds...	7 calories
Small birds...	3 calories
Earth moved...	30 calories
PULLING OUT
After orgasm...	0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm...	500 calories
PENIS ENVY
For woman...	3 calories
For men...	72 calories
GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion...	30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'...	10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room...	7 calories
Putting it on your expense account...	9 calories
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant...	5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay...	14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time...	10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls...	7 calories
Partner is making phone calls...	40 calories
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse...	60 calories
By your spouse...	100 calories
Trying to explain...	55 calories
Trying to remain calm...	100 calories
Leaping out of bed...	75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion...	500 calories

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Driving styles

Driving Styles ...
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy


One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on brake,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to New DELHI

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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Unfaithful wife

An American man on a business trip thinks of calling his wife. He dials his residence number from the hotel phone.

American man: Hello!
Reply: Hello!
American man smirks as it is an unfamiliar male Voice. He asks: Who's this?
Reply: Sir, I'm servant of this house!

American man: (Surprised!) Where did you come from?
Servant: Madam kept me here, yesterday.

American man: Ok, go and call madam!
Servant: She's sleeping with sir and told me not to disturb.

American man turns red and wild with anger. He screams into the phone, "Listen you bloody servant, listen to me. I'm the real owner of the house you're standing in".
Servant: Then who's the one here?
American man: Not sure who that f**king b@st@rd is. Do one thing for me and I'll pay you $50,000 once I'm back. Go and get the gun which is hanging in the drawing room.

After a few seconds servant is back...

Servant: Sir, I got the gun!
American man: And just around there in the drawers should be the bullets, take them and load into the gun.

After a minute...

Servant: It's ready now.
American man: Good! Now get into the room and shoot both of them.

After a minute...

Servant: Sir, I shot both of them, what do I do with the dead bodies?
American man: Just dig a hole into the garden and bury both of them in it.

Servant: Paused for a min! This is the 50th floor, there's no garden here!

American man: Paused for a min! Ooooops, sorry - wrong number!

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-->

New CEO

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"



The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Furniture Surprise

Santa, a furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.

He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.




After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.

She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed.

Till this day, the Santa has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!

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