Red Hair Baby

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."


"Nonsense," the doctor said... "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed... "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!"

The doctor said confidently.... "It's Rust."

1. Blowing Smoke

2. Sperm Count

3. What double dose of viagra can do?

4. High Glucose Levels in Sperms

5. Viagra For Females

6. Penile Amputation

7. Intelligent or smart?

8. Best Christmas Gift

9.Blood samples

10.Test Tube Baby

Sneeze Organsm

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine.




The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he replies.

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Sex Greek Style

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."




The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

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10.Last Letter To Husband

Very Funny Joke

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.


Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.


Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

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Wife's Phone

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won`t believe this but I`m standing in front of Giovannis and there`s a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They`re giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it`s absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

-->

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won`t believe it but he said he`d let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you`re the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I`m not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown`s place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It`s on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"

-->

"I had actually thought about it. You say it`s on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it`s not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It`s a steal!"
"I guess we`ve got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can`t wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who`s phone is this?"

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10 Divorced Barbie.

Aids Virus

There was a German, an Italian and our Santa on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

To be shot
To be hung
To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.)

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then Banta said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and Banta fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then Banta said, "Give me another one of those shots." So the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

Banta replied, "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!"

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Viagra Antidote

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um... little sailor can't salute anymore.

She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her.

The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed."

The wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.

The lady blushes, smiles and says, "Well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."

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Fondling The Wife

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.



He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.



As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled

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Royal Wait9.Birds & Bees

Royal Wait

Target Store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

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History of Medicine

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

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Strange people

Funny definitions of designations at office
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a
Baby.


3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine
babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even
if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman;
they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is
delivered, they'll just document 9 months.



Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to
Produce a baby .

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Organ Transplant

Jack went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem: he was unable to get his penis erect.
After a complete exam the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk.


The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant`s trunk in Jack`s penis. Jack thought about it for a while.
The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.
So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.




To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"
Jack, with his eyes watering, replied: "I think I can, but I`m not sure that I can fit another roll up my ass."

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ship wrecked guy with 6 women

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were fighting over his attentions.They held a meeting to resolve the problem anddecided that each would have his services on a different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.



In due time the guy was dragging himself through the week, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floating on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be aman on a raft. He thought now we are two men , we would be able to divide girls and it would less hard work for me now to take care of three women rathar than six.  With his last ounce of strength he swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and as he came around said to him;


“Oh man, amI ever glad to see you! “Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too”said the raft rider in a swishy way.With a shrug of resignation the guy said… “Oh damn,there goes my Sundays!”

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God And Doctor.

The famous surgeon died and worked his way Heavenwards, arriving ultimately at the Pearly Gates. Just like the VA clinics there was a long line. He was not having any of this and strode to the head of the queue and berated St. Peter who was overseeing the admissions procedure.

“I can’t hang around here in a line like this,” explained the surgeon. “Don’t you know who I am?”

“No, who are you?” asked St. Peter.

“I’m Dr. Simon Rothschild III, President of the American College of Surgeons, Surgeon on-call for the United States President, Chairman of …”

“O.K., O.K., O.K.,” said St. Peter, “I get the idea. However, it makes no difference here. Everyone is equal and you must go to the back of the line.”

At that moment a harassed little man in a crumpled suit rushed up in an obvious hurry. He carried a little doctor’s bag, a stethoscope was hanging round his neck and an VA prescription pad was poking out of his pocket. He quietly said something in St. Peter’s ear, and without further ado St. P. opened the Pearly Gates and the crumpled little man went through.

This was too much for our eminent surgeon.

“And what was all that about everyone being equal ! ! You send an eminent doctor like me to the back of the line, but you let an insignificant common-place G.P. like that through without so much as a hesitation.”

“Sorry,” said St. P., “but that wasn’t a G.P., that was God. Sometimes he likes to play at being a doctor”

-

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Psychiatrist Session

GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.


GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.


GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!

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Why Blame Our Generation?

 Dropadi married 5 men.Goutam Budh didn't listen 2 his mother & went out.Pinocchio was a liar.Robbin Hood was a thief.Tarzan romed naked.Sleeping Beauty was kissed by a stranger & she married him.Cindrella lied and sneaked out at night to attend a party.These are the stories our parents raised us with & now people complain our generation is messed up.

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Hot and Cold Love

A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. They were put in seperate examination rooms.

The doctor enters the room where the husband is waiting and does a check-up and proclaims 'You are extremely healthy for your age, are there any concerns?


' Yes' says the gentleman, 'When I make love to my wife I sometimes get so hot that I turn the air conditioner on. Sometime I get so cold that I have to turn my heater real high.'

Puzzled, the doctor says that he does not have an answer for him and moves on to examine his wife. After performing a full check-up, he finds her as healthy as her husband.

The doctor is totally perplexed by what the husband has told him and decides to ask the wife about it. The doctor asks the wife if she has any ideas why he feels so hot one time and very cold the next time when they are making love.




The wife proclaims to the doctor 'Oh, that old fool, it is because we only make love once in the winter and once in the summer.

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2 Drops of Medicine every 4 hours

 My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops.


In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

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Preparing for Gynecologist Visit

The secretary of a Gynaecologist called to reshedule Preeto's appointment and asked her if she would come today in next hour for her checkup or rather wait another month as doctor had to go out of town on a business trip.


Preeto rushed to the bathroom, there was a napkin on the counter, picked it up, cleaned her vagina with it, put on her dress and rushed for the unexpected appointment.

In doctor’s office she undressed for checkup and slept on the table.

Doctor examined the part, winked at Preeto and said, “You sure look bright and beautiful, you have made an extra effort for today’s visit haven’t you?”



Preeto smiled, came home and her daughter called, “Mom where is that napking on counter?”

Preeto asked, “Why , can you used another napkin?”

“No Mom,” replied the daughter, “that napkin had all my glitters and sparkles for my school decoration.

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4. High Glucose Levels in Sperms

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Smoking Guy

Three guys are arrested in an adult bookstore and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Joe," the guy answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke,” he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.



"What's your name?" he asked.

"Joe," the guy answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.,” he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.

So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.



"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; Joe." he said.

"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

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Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
>

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Nancy, the gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked!


'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

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Double dose

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I have to have a double dose." The doctor finally relented saying, "'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to ensure there haven't been any serious side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up!"

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High Glucose Levels

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"




After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic...



Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

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