Honeymoon Boat Cruise

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise.

The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go."

"Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "But do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?

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Toast for wife

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me darling wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "What was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Three Daughters on Honeymoon

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There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

-->

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Rose Is Rose

A man took a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they went on to a show.

The evening was a huge success and as he dropped her at her door he said, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agreed and a date was made. The next night he knocked on her door and when she opened it, she slapped him hard across the face. He was stunned.

"What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said, 'Not well suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

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Change of plans

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

--> The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle
strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper"
-->


So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" -->

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Sex Greek Style

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."




The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

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Moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"




"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down, so the bottle wouldn't break. And then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, She killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking!!!"

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Priest and the choirboy

One Fine Sunny Morning, The Priest Took A Walk In The Local Forest. He Had Been Walking By The Small Stream When He Noticed A Sad, Sad Looking Frog Sitting On A Toadstool.

"what's Wrong With You?" Said The Priest.

"well," Said The Frog, "the Reason I Am So Sad On This Fine Day Is Because I Wasn't Always A Frog."

"really!" Said The Priest. "can You Explain!"

"once Upon A Time I Was An 11 Year Old Choir Boy At The Local Church. I Too Was Walking Through This Forest When I Was Confronted By The Wicked Witch Of The Forest. 'let Me Pass!' I Yelled, But To No Avail. She Called Me A Cheeky Little Boy And With A Flash Of Her Wand, Turned Me Into This Frog You See Before You."

"that's An Incredible Story" Said The Priest. "is There No Way Of Reversing This Spell That The Witch Has Cast Upon You?."



"yes" Said The Frog, "it Is Said, That If A Nice Kind Person Would Pick Me Up, Take Me Home, Give Me Food & Warmth And With A Good Nights Sleep Would Wake Up A Boy Once Again."

"today's Your Lucky Day!" Said The Priest, And Picked Up The Frog And Took Him Home. The Priest Gave The Frog Lots Of Food, Placed Him By The Fire And At Bedtime Put The Frog On The Pillow Beside Him. When The Priest Awoke, He Saw The 11-year-old Choirboy Beside Him In Bed,

"and That My Lord Is The Case For The Defense....... "

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Extra Large

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read, "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

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How to get bull service your cows

Banta needs a bull to service his buffaloes but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

Banta complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the buffaloes. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.

Banta looks very pleased, "The bull has serviced all my buffaloes, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's buffaloes."

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied Banta.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says Banta, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

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Sex Maniac

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

"Don’t you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.

"Oh, I still love him," the chick replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it."

"Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."

"Well, then," he said. "Here’s $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That’ll be five times in the kitchen!"

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Fighter French Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwardsand screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

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Only 24 hours to love

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they have sex.

Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know... you don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"

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Who Is Better Lover

A maid asks for a pay rise.

“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.

“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”

“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.

“Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”

“Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.

“No, the driver did.”

The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.

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So Whats The Moral Of Story

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family"

So What is moral of the story?

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The Moral is

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Moral is

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Moral is

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR.

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Did you pay for sex?

On their wedding night, the bride approached her husband and asked for $50 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another job.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$2 million.


Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $3 million.


She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.


The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'


That's when she shot him.


You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!

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Whats in a Dog's Name

Hi friends this joke was sent to me by a very dear friend of Mine. Though some might find it offensive but i like this joke , so sharing with everyone to enjoy


The Joke is titled

I Call My Dog Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied,
"You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we
were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at
night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

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